Internal
Been a slow week - rainy and stormy the entire time, so I stayed home every night. Been trying to put into words something I want to discuss here, but it's hard to do, for some reason.
I mentioned A in my last post, and as I expected, I did not meet up with him. By the time he called, I was already in my jammies and settled down for the night, and he was still about 30 minutes away. We did talk for a while, traded some stories, and we both came while talking.
During that conversation, A reminded me of our history together. We've only met once, and he's either the first or second online man that I ever played with. Our meeting was fun and exciting and after that, we continued to talk a bit online. After a while, though, things started to get to me.
A is married, and I started to feel guilty for enabling him in his search for marital affair fun. I wasn't the only one A was hooking up with, but I still felt guilty for playing a part.
More than that, though, I started to feel...well...used. Not necessarily by A, and certainly not only by him, but the playing I was doing with random men started to get to me.
I'm smart. Well educated, well spoken. I have a good job, I'm self-sufficient, I'm, well...normal. Okay, normal enough, I guess. And yet, some guys - many guys (in my experience) - will only show interest if they know I'll play.
I'm not discounting that or saying that's wrong or bad. But while I love sex, and sucking, and playing, I want to find - to be in, to be part of - an actual, committed, solid relationship. All the playing around I was doing was taking a toll on my self-esteem. All the playing around I was doing wasn't getting me into something good, something lasting.
Sure, I felt sexy - these guys were complimenting me, wanting to be with me, getting off to their memories of me later on. It's a turn on. It's an ego trip. But as we know, it's not necessarily sincere.
I do believe that I'm more than just a mouth, more than just a cum dumpster. There's a lot more to me than just my suction skills. I want a guy who will recognize that. I want a guy who will want all of me, who doesn't just want to be with me because he knows I'll suck him off.
So, you see, all of the random playing I was doing was really hurting me in the long run. My ego was being boosted because I was complimented and wanted, but my ego and spirit were also being damaged, because I knew I wasn't wanted for any 'real' reasons.
That's why I stopped playing for so long with random online men. That's why, now as I start back up again, I know to be wary of it, to not get in as deep.
I know there are some readers who may/do disagree with my thought process, such as it is. Who think that none of what I call the 'real' things matter, and that as long as both parties are willing, fun should be had. There's more I want to say on that, and some emails I want to respond to, but I think we need to just agree to disagree here. I want the entire package. I don't think I should settle for less.
This is pretty disjointed; cramps are making it hard to focus. Hopefully my point is understood. And A? As for you...well, you know where to find me.
I mentioned A in my last post, and as I expected, I did not meet up with him. By the time he called, I was already in my jammies and settled down for the night, and he was still about 30 minutes away. We did talk for a while, traded some stories, and we both came while talking.
During that conversation, A reminded me of our history together. We've only met once, and he's either the first or second online man that I ever played with. Our meeting was fun and exciting and after that, we continued to talk a bit online. After a while, though, things started to get to me.
A is married, and I started to feel guilty for enabling him in his search for marital affair fun. I wasn't the only one A was hooking up with, but I still felt guilty for playing a part.
More than that, though, I started to feel...well...used. Not necessarily by A, and certainly not only by him, but the playing I was doing with random men started to get to me.
I'm smart. Well educated, well spoken. I have a good job, I'm self-sufficient, I'm, well...normal. Okay, normal enough, I guess. And yet, some guys - many guys (in my experience) - will only show interest if they know I'll play.
I'm not discounting that or saying that's wrong or bad. But while I love sex, and sucking, and playing, I want to find - to be in, to be part of - an actual, committed, solid relationship. All the playing around I was doing was taking a toll on my self-esteem. All the playing around I was doing wasn't getting me into something good, something lasting.
Sure, I felt sexy - these guys were complimenting me, wanting to be with me, getting off to their memories of me later on. It's a turn on. It's an ego trip. But as we know, it's not necessarily sincere.
I do believe that I'm more than just a mouth, more than just a cum dumpster. There's a lot more to me than just my suction skills. I want a guy who will recognize that. I want a guy who will want all of me, who doesn't just want to be with me because he knows I'll suck him off.
So, you see, all of the random playing I was doing was really hurting me in the long run. My ego was being boosted because I was complimented and wanted, but my ego and spirit were also being damaged, because I knew I wasn't wanted for any 'real' reasons.
That's why I stopped playing for so long with random online men. That's why, now as I start back up again, I know to be wary of it, to not get in as deep.
I know there are some readers who may/do disagree with my thought process, such as it is. Who think that none of what I call the 'real' things matter, and that as long as both parties are willing, fun should be had. There's more I want to say on that, and some emails I want to respond to, but I think we need to just agree to disagree here. I want the entire package. I don't think I should settle for less.
This is pretty disjointed; cramps are making it hard to focus. Hopefully my point is understood. And A? As for you...well, you know where to find me.
posted by Fan of Lust at 9:54 PM
2 Comments:
Wow. I have been through the same thing, from the other side. A married man, just playing and having fun. Feeling somewhat guilty but needing to explore that part of me. Getting in to deep and having to back up and regroup. I don’t see someone “playing” as an object, just someone who wants to explore and live out some fantasies. I think it is healthy. As you, personally, search for your life long mate you will be better able to look for what you want or at least communicate it. It gives you a leg up as you know what you want and like. Don’t let societies “social programming” of right and wrong. Get to you. Question it and decide for your self what your “right and wrong” are. Life is to short, enjoy it.
It's hard to do, Sal, but I appreciate your advice. I'm trying...
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