Hump Day

I had amazing phone sex last night with a new online friend. We've only 'known' each other for a few days, but something immediately clicked. From our first online conversation, he wanted my number, but I wasn't ready for it.

Last night, I was, but I'm not sure what got me there.

We started out with a good conversation about sexual behaviors. Likes, dislikes, fantasies. Gender differences, societal pressures, how much we each masturbate.

He's...fun. He makes me laugh. He laughs at me. He's not afraid to tell me he likes me. He's smart and interesting and charming and lets me call him on shit, while he calls me out, too. There's this amazing chemistry, this ability to talk and discuss and laugh and learn and be real, and though it's crazy, I already believe him when he says he doesn't want to hurt me, that he cares.

And of course, he's not local. The good ones never are.

I don't normally like phone sex. I feel...pressured. I feel fake and phony, which might have something to do with the fact that I generally fake my climax. I've loved phone sex with bfs before, where we talk about what we'd do if we were together, what we liked about the last time we were together, things that I know can or have cum to fruition. But phone sex with a random stranger rarely turns me on.

Last night, though...whoa. That's the first time I've ever cum so hard I've cried. He pushed my limits, he made me push them. And while I'm very much not a submissive girl...I wanted to please him. I did what he told me to do. I liked it, I liked his demands, I liked his encouragement, I liked all of it.

And I came so incredibely, unbelievably, much. Gushed. Squirted. Drenched. Dripped.

It was a two hour, very charged, very erotic, conversation (not just the sex part, the whole conversation).

So what's the problem?

I could get hooked. He's charming. He's the perfect mix of good boy/bad boy. He's not afraid to say he likes me.

I've been here before, figuratively. I've gotten 'involved' with online men; some I've met, some I haven't. Almost all of them could pass me on the street and I wouldn't know it. Almost all of them have cut ties completely with me; I'd be egotistical to even think that they remember me, that they devote any thoughts to me.

This guy, L...he reminds me of a prior flame, JS, a man slightly older, slightly more worldy and experienced than I was at age 23. A man who taught me things, and respected me, and tried not to hurt me even as he was purposely doing it. And I loved JS, and I craved him, and I still think of him. And I'm worried about getting hooked again, I'm worried about falling for someone I can't have, I'm worried about never finding someone local.

I'm worried that since I've experienced a few rare, special, phenomenal men, and been shown a glimpse of what sex and relationships can and should be...that I'm ruined for everyone else.